just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
sex in a hospital.. check
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
