Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
