Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
