Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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