Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
