if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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