I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
