I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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