it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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