Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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