Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
