gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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