Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I am one with the molecules
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
