we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
