my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Slut skills are useful in every country.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
