It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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