i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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