Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
