you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I forget how to act sober
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
