Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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