he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
