Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
