she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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