why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
