was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
