I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
