peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
