I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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