Non-Jews are for practice
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
