I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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