Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
