I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
bring money and cleavage
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
