I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's blow job season.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
