i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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