talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
