it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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