Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
