My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
