Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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