I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
