dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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