My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
