weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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