I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
