Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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