he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
