She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
