Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
