someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
