i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Randomize
