I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I love having hate sex.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
