I don't think brook has ever known best
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
