The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
