Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
