somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
